WEP Challenge August 2019: Red Wheelbarrow

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

The story's protagonist, Ed, is a little batty

Before we begin:

This is the story of Ed and his red wheelbarrow. The story is composed of a series of limericks about a vampire named Ed and his love for gardening late at night with his red wheelbarrow.

Here is what I want in a critique.

I want to know about technical and formatting issues and the sorts of things which would improve the story's readability.

Here is what I do not want in a critique.

"I don't like limericks or poems. I don't like silly stories. I don't like stories about vampires with red wheelbarrows."

If you hate vampires, red wheelbarrows, limericks, poems, or silliness, do us both a favor and don't read this story. I don't want you reading stuff you don't like. You aren't doing either of us any favors. If that's what you're here to say, please move on down the line to the next story on the list. 

If you're still here, I assume you want to read 1000 words about Ed and his red wheelbarrow. So, here you go.

There was a vampire named Ed

Who had a house with a garden and shed

He planted flowers at night

Underneath the moonlight

Hauling dirt in his wheelbarrow so red

Everyone thought Ed was up to no good

Hauling dirt and stakes made of wood

What could he be doing

Besides slaying and slewing

And not sleeping when folks thought he should

Ed planted colorful posies

Pansies, daisies, and rosies

He planted fruit trees

And big pink peonies

To delight every passerby's nosies

Halloween was Ed's favorite day

He put dried flowers in a bouquet

He picked pumpkins and squashes

And went out in his galoshes

To spruce up the yard the right way

Ed's house was festive and spooky

He was harmless, though a bit kooky

But everyone was afraid

So away they all stayed

Leaving Ed feeling lonesome and ooky

The next day, Ed found a letter

He hoped it would make him feel better

But the letter was mean

Called him a blood-sucking fiend

As Ed read, his cheeks became wetter

Ed knew he had to explain

He didn't eat people or even their brains

His blood came in sealed bags

Labeled neatly with tags

From biting he always abstained

So, one day in the middle of winter

Ed invited the neighbors to dinner

He served a nice stew

And apple pie too

As a chef, Ed was no beginner

Ed printed booklets to tell his story

He was a vampire but not so gory

He presented no danger

To friend or to stranger

And he didn't go hunting for quarry

I must drink blood, it is true

But no harm will come to you

I must garden at night

When the moonlight is right

I can't be out when it's sunny and blue

I drink blood which has been donated

Or proper payment negotiated

I don't sleep in a coffin

At least not very often

I'm friendly if a bit understated

I haul dirt in my wheelbarrow red

To make a good flowerbed

I mow my lawn in the dark

Sometimes walk to the park

I promise you've nothing to dread

I like to cook cakes and pies

When night falls and the moon starts to rise

But sometimes it gets lonely

Cooking for myself only

I'd love to share my food with you guys

A few centuries ago, it would seem

Ed was a chef for a queen

He tended her gardens

And signed all her pardons

Tucked her in and wished her sweet dreams

While visiting a strange land

Ed was attacked by a vampire man

Who drank up Ed's blood

And left him in the mud

Out in the barren wasteland

Ed bit the vampire while fighting

On that night so terribly frightening

Ed didn't die

And so, by the by

He awoke to a sharp crack of lightning

Ed knew he'd become a vampire

And the sun would make him catch fire

He found an old mausoleum

Where no-one could see him

In the daytime, he would there retire

At night, Ed went out and drank blood

But didn't drain folks or leave them in the mud

He couldn't go home

He felt sad and alone

His life had become quite a dud

Ed moved from town to town

Slept in any mausoleum he found

He slept in ship cargo holds

And castle strongholds

He traveled the globe all around

In modern times, Ed settled down

He was tired of traveling around

He didn't need to hypnotize

Unlucky girls and guys

When it was time to chow down

Ed found a house where he could stay

And get his blood the modern way

He bought his wheelbarrow red

And flour to make bread

And thought that things would be okay

If you're nervous I understand, you see

Said the booklet Ed passed out for free

I'm glad you've come by

Please have a slice of pie

And maybe a nice cup of tea

Folks soon discovered Ed was quite nice

His house smelled of sugar and spice

He was a genial host

To both the living and ghosts

And his pie had each guest enticed

Then there came a knock at the door

A voice said, "have you room for one more?"

It was a voice Ed had known

In his long-ago home

He almost fell in a faint on the floor

"My Queen, how can you be alive?"

Ed inquired his eyes wide with surprise

The Queen shook her head

"Not alive, I'm undead.

I wonder, will you invite me inside?"

Ed asked the Queen to come in right away

She smiled as she stood in the foyer

"I knew you wouldn't leave me alone

So, when you didn't come home

I went looking for you the next day."

The Queen said she met a vampire

Who drank her blood and threw her into the briar

But she bit him back

While he made his attack

When day came, she hid in the church with the spire

"I searched for you for year upon year,"

The Queen said, her eyes filled with tears

"It was bad luck, I think,"

Ed said, and gave her a drink

"For with you, I can never feel fear."

"Ed, you were a wonderful chef,

And as a gardener, you were the best

But I must tell you the truth

From the time of my youth

I loved you and none of the rest."

Ed married the Queen Christmas night

And everything was all right

Then when spring began

According to plan

Their garden was a glorious sight

There was a vampire named Ed

Who had a wheelbarrow painted bright red

He used to be lonely

But he has his one and only

And his neighbors think he bakes the best bread

Ed and the Queen now have a pet crow

And they adopted a werewolf, you know

Instead of howling at the moon

He sings a cool tune

And dogs follow him wherever he goes

 With love from Ed, the Queen, and their family